Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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