Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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