I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
