I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
