we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I can't put those talents on a resume
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
