oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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