I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
