All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
