By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
