So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
