The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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