textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
