If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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