when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think I sprained my soul last night
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize