My cat gives me a boner
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
