i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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