The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
