im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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