I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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