So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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