If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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