im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
literally had 100 drinks last night.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
