Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize