you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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