YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
