I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
