listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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