The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
