im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
