The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
