the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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