just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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