you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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