well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
