both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
