Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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