you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize