I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
