The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize