someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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