A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
it's like heaven, but drunker
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
