she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
