You're my little dorito
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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