I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
