remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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