every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
