he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My life is pants optional.
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