In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
