I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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