I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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