i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
