This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
