his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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