Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
