how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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