I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize