I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
