perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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