Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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