My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Soap is not a condiment
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
