every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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