oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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