I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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