i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
