The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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