if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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