Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
